Lindsay Lohan’s Rehab Clinic Escape Plot Exposed!

admin May 18, 2013 Real Fake News

Lindsay planned to dig her way out of the rehab clinic using a fountain pen.

LOS ANGELES - The Los Angeles Police Department is reporting that Henry & Betty Ford Rehab Clinic patient #73013 was making plans to escape from the rehab facility.

Officer W.K. Ruskinriggins with the LAPD said that he was called to the rehab clinic by the clinic’s executive director Cayenne Gayla Wheatgrass at 11 p.m. (Pacific Standard Time) on Thursday, May 16.

When he arrived at the facility he was greeted by Ms. Wheatgrass, security guard Van Buren Mollycoddle, and the clinic’s custodian Enzo Rudolphowitz.

They all quickly went to Miss Lohan’s room where she had been tied up with pieces of a pillow case by the clinic’s nurse Cadenza Costapino.

Nurse Costapino told Officer Ruskinriggins that the reason why she had to tie her up was because she bit her right elbow and she was trying to scratch her teeth.

Miss Lohan was asked if anyone else was involved in the plot to escape. She giggled and said that she was assisted by the security guard, Mr. Mollycoddle.

Mollycoddle sternly denied it and he called Lohan a crazy, low-life, bottom-feeding, lying bitch. Lohan yelled out that she was not crazy.

Officer Ruskinriggins informed Ms. Wheatgrass that he would not take Lohan away because that is exactly what she wants so he suggested that they place her in solitary confinement for one week.

SIDENOTE: The rumor that Lindsay’s ex-girlfriend Samantha Ronson tried to sneak Lindsay a pack of cigarettes in her bra is false.

McArthur wants Wigan to end on a high

admin May 18, 2013 Sports Center

18 May 2013 17:11

Wigan midfielder James McArthur wants his side to bow out of the Premier League on Sunday with a win.

Roberto Martinez’ men were relegated on Tuesday after a 4-1 defeat against Arsenal, just three days after winning the FA Cup, and McArthur feels a victory against Aston Villa would not only be important for the squad but the fans as well.

“We need to try and look forward to next season now and try and get the club back into the Premier League,” the Scotland international told the club’s official website.

“We’re looking forward to Sunday because it’s a chance to go out of the season with a win and also show our appreciation to the supporters.

“It’s important for us as players, for the fans and for the whole club that we finish the Premier League with a win to show that we mean business.”

While the writing has been on the wall for Wigan in terms of relegation for some time and avoiding the drop would have been an uphill task, McArthur said it did not help ease the pain when it was confirmed at the Emirates Stadium.

He revealed it was especially hurtful given the joy they had experienced at Wembley just days beforehand following the cup win against Manchester City.

“It’s a feeling that we need to keep inside ourselves and always remember but something that have to make sure never happens again,” he continued.

“It’s tough because it (winning the FA Cup) was the highest point of our careers and then shortly after we had our lowest point which is something we need to sort out and put right.”

The tie against Aston Villa could have proved to be decisive in the relegation fight, with Villa just two places above them, but even though the result may not matter mathematically now, McArthur wants it be a positive occasion for the club.

“Hopefully it will be a great send off on Sunday for ourselves and for the fans because they have been magnificent this season,” he said.

“If we can perform and win on Sunday then we can come back after the close season and into pre-season on a bit more of a high point.

“The one thing we can’t forget is that we won the FA Cup and nobody can ever take that away from us as a club.”

high McArthur wants Wigan

Laudrup keen on bringing in Michu assistance

admin May 18, 2013 Sports Center

18 May 2013 15:59

Swansea City boss Michael Laudrup has confirmed he wants to bring in another striker to assist this season’s top scorer Michu.

The Spaniard, who joined the club from Rayo Vallecano in the close season, has hit 22 Premier League goals this term but Laudrup is keen to ensure he does not have to rely on him too heavily next season.

“Without him we would have been struggling, he’s been so important, goals are important,” the Dane said.

“We cannot think that he will repeat that. We’re talking about an offensive midfielder who can play up front, but scoring more than 20 goals is not normal.”

While Laudrup admitted that Swansea do not have the financial capability to rival the teams at the top of the Premier League, he claimed to have the board’s backing to spend in order to strengthen the squad.

“There is an understanding of the players we want, the board know we need to strengthen the squad just to stay where we are,” he said.

“The teams below us in the table will spend heavily to try and get to where we are.

“The names we are talking about, some of them are not expensive, we are not going to sign (Manchester City striker Sergio) Aguero or (Liverpool striker Luis) Suarez.”

With the club’s ability to find a bargain such as Michu, the Swansea boss also admitted to concern that other clubs may try and hijack their bids for targets.

“We have to do it quickly and almost secretly because the moment other clubs in the Premier League get a feeling Swansea are going for a player they might decide they want him as well and that makes it difficult for us,” he said.

“If none of our regular players leave then I think there will be between five and seven players coming in.”

A win for Swansea on Sunday against Fulham could see them jump a place to eighth.

assistance Bringing keen Laudrup Michu

Mancini sacking is ´amazing´, says Ferguson

admin May 18, 2013 Sports Center

18 May 2013 12:08

Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson has described Roberto Mancini’s dismissal from Manchester City as “quite amazing”.

The Italian was relieved of his duties on Monday after overseeing the shock FA Cup final defeat to Wigan at Wembley two days prior.

But Ferguson has expressed surprise that Mancini’s trophy haul throughout his three-year stay at the Etihad Stadium had not merited loyalty from the club’s board.

“It’s quite amazing,” he said. “He’s won the FA Cup, been in the final this season, second in the Premier League this season, won the league last season, and it’s not good enough?

“I was surprised… actually no, you can’t say you’re surprised, not with some owners today. So you can’t be surprised, but I still don’t think it was right.”

The Scot went on to insist that the upheaval at City would have no impact on his successor in the Old Trafford hotseat David Moyes.

“I don’t think that matters to him,” he added. “What happens at City won’t have any bearing on David.

“He’s got the structure here, he’s got the experience, he’s had to handle things at Everton that are more difficult, probably.

“So I don’t think that matters.”

Ferguson also underlined that dealing with Wayne Rooney’s public desire to leave the club would fall to Moyes upon his arrival at United.

“I’ve no idea. It’s not my department. I’m no longer interested in that,” he continued.

“David is going to deal with that. Quite rightly he wants to deal with that and I’m happy with that. I’ve not spoken to David about it but I’m sure he’ll address it when he gets here.”

Ferguson Mancini sacking says ´amazing´

Madonna Cannot Stand Nicki Minaj and Says She Belongs In The Circus

admin May 18, 2013 Real Fake News

Madonna says that Nicki Minaj has all the personality of a used Q-Tip.

BROOKLYN - Madonna was leaving The Salvatore Goombalini General Hospital after having had an ingrown hair removed from her upper lip.

As she walked out the front door she was asked by Carolina Chipotle with Bedroom Pillow Talk what she thought about American Idol judge Nicki Minaj.

Madonna made a face that would have scared a WWF wrestler. She finished chewing her orange-flavored Tic Tac and said that she cannot stand the nasty-looking creature from the lagoon from hell.

The “Papa Don’t Preach” singer commented that she has no idea why in the world the executives at American Idol would hire a person who has no business critiquing jellyfish much less humans.

Madonna said that Minaj is not good enough to wash Mariah Carey’s bras and she is so desperate for attention that she wears ugly ass-looking wigs that go past her humongously humongous butt and touch the back of her ankles.

The 54-year-old Madonna added that it certainly appears that Nicki the Yicky buys her make up at Sherwin Williams Paint Stores.

Madonna then remarked “The high-shrill voiced Minaj-a-Twat definitely belongs in the circus, because she is nothing more than a cheap clown.”

In Other News. The Annual Pocatello Potato Parade will take place in Pocatello, Idaho on Saturday, May 25. All parade participants including marching bands, cheerleaders, and float riders must dress up as either baked potatoes, French fries, potato chips, hash browns, potato salad, or scalloped potatoes.

Belongs Cannot Circus Madonna Minaj Nicki says stand

Liga MX Wrap: Monterrey share spoils with America

admin May 18, 2013 Sports Center

18 May 2013 05:28

Aldo de Nigris has scored a crucial equaliser for Monterrey to salvage a 2-2 draw against America in their Liga MX semi-final first leg.

Ecuadorian striker Christian Benitez struck two vital away goals for America to put the visitors ahead in the second half at Monterrey’s Estadio Tecnologico but the hosts recovered soon after through de Nigris to stay alive in the two-legged semi-final.

While Cruz Azul took control of their semi-final against reigning Clausura champions Santos Laguna in the other semi-final, Monterrey and America’s contest remains tight.

Monterrey took the lead in the 29th minute on Wednesday thanks to a fantastic curving free-kick from Humberto Suazo but America turned the game around in the opening 25 minutes of the second half.

Benitez equalised in the 51st minute, collecting Juan Medina’s lofted pass and stepping around Monterrey goalkeeper Juan Ibarra to slot the ball home.

The 27-year-old Ecuadorian completed his brace with 20 minutes remaining when he reacted fastest to a shot into the penalty area, following a corner, to finish from close range, although de Nigris kept Monterrey in the contest with a well-taken goal in the 73rd minute.

America hold the upper hand heading into Saturday’s second leg due to their two away goals.

In the other semi-final first leg on Thursday, Cruz Azul won 3-0 away to Santos Laguna with first-half strikes from Gerardo Flores and Pablo Barrera, plus an own goal from Rafael Figueroa in the 88th minute.

America Liga Monterrey Share spoils wrap

Mourinho laments ´horror season´

admin May 18, 2013 Sports Center

18 May 2013 02:31

Jose Mourinho has described the 2012-13 campaign as the ‘worst season of his career’ following Real Madrid’s 2-1 defeat in the Copa del Rey final.

Atletico Madrid defender Joao Miranda’s extra-time header compounded Madrid to defeat on home turf on Friday, and signalled the Mourinho’s first campaign without a major trophy in over a decade – barring a Supercopa success over Barcelona back in August.

And speaking after the game, the 50-year-old admitted the season was a blot on his CV when placed in the context of his own high standards.

“This was the worst season of my career. For many coaches it would be a good season, but for me it is the worst,” Mourinho told reporters.

“I always showed up in the press room every time we drew or we lost. This year’s campaign was a failure but my first two seasons were successful.”

Mourinho’s future has been shrouded in speculation for some weeks now as rumours of a return to the Premier League with Chelsea gather pace, but he insisted he has yet to discuss his future with president Florentino Perez.

“I have a contract that is valid for three more years. I still haven’t talked to the president about my future.”

Mourinho, who was sent to the stands midway through the second half at the Santiago Bernabeu, then claimed in his post-match assessment that Atletico were ‘lucky’ to lift the trophy after his side hit the woodwork three times and were foiled by a number of stunning saves from Thibaut Courtois.

“I don’t think Atletico deserve to be champions but they won the title. We had two clear chances on goal, we hit the post three times. This is why I think it is unfair,” he said.

“Atletico’s keeper was fantastic but he was also lucky tonight.”

laments Mourinho season´´horror

Candice Glover of South Carolina Crowned The New American Idol!

admin May 18, 2013 Real Fake News

Along with the $ 1 million first prize Candice also received a little Yorkie which she named Peaches after Ryan Seacrest.

HOLLYWOOD - Candice Glover of St. Helena Island, South Carolina was crowned the winner of American Idol’s season 12.

She beat out Texas native Kree Harrison, who looks exactly like Rose, the Melanie Lynskey character on Two and A Half Men.

Randy “The Dawg” Jackson said that Candice is probably the best singer to ever appear on AI. He noted that she can sing in four different languages including in Swedish.

Mariah Carey said she really likes Candice because she would always bring Heath Toffee Bars to the rehearsals and hand them out to her, Keith, Ryan, and Randy.

Carey said that Candice never gave any to Nicki Minaj because she did not like her at all. Ryan said that Candice had told him several months ago that she (Candice) just doesn’t like the clown-like appearance of Minaj the Meany, as everyone on the show calls her.

Keith said that Candice is so darn good that he may consider recording a country music duet with her. He smiled and added that they could be another Conway Twitty and Loretta Lynn.

All of the top ten contestants congratulated Candice after the show except for Lazaro Arbos who forgot the words he was going to say, just like he had forgotten the lyrics to several of the songs.

Burnell Taylor said that he would be willing to be Candice’s boyfriend but then he remembered that he is already Amber Holcomb’s boyfriend.

And Angie “Bubbly” Miller reportedly said that her and her piano are going to go on tour and save the world.

Woody The Wonder Woodchuck correctly predicted that Candice would win and Kree would lose. Woody ended up with a season 12 record of 31-3.

SIDENOTE: President Obama called Candice after the show, congratulated her, and told her that he the First Mama, and the two First Kiddoes, Malia, and Sasha all voted for her a whole bunch of times.

American Candice Carolina crowned Glover Idol South