New York — Looking to bounce back from being swept in the American League playoffs, the New York Yankees have named former cycling scammer Lance Armstrong as their new cheating coach.
“We managed just six runs in that four-game series,” said Yankee general manager Brian Cashman. “It’s not because we forgot how to hit. It’s because we forgot to order enough steroids for the extended playoff season.
“That’s why we’re adding a professional chiseler to the team. Lance will make sure important details like that don’t fall through the cracks. Because in these competitive times, the difference between winning and losing is cheating.”
Cashman went on to praise Armstrong’s expertise as a swindler. “Our new cheating coach not only knows every trick in the book. He’ll sell you the book. Steal it from you. Then convince you that you owe a $ 5 library fine. You’re left with an empty wallet and a plastic wristband.”
Armstrong, who was stripped of all his cycling victories as if he never existed, pointed out that his track record as a world-class con artist will never be taken away from him.
“Not only did I cheat my way to victory in seven Tour de France classics, but I cheated my fans, my sponsors, my sport and my country. That’s the grand slam of scams.”
Speaking for the Yankees, Cashman stopped short of calling Armstrong’s hiring as cheating coach a first for baseball.
“That distinction goes to the New York Mets and their association with Bernie Madoff,” the Yankee general manager said. “Of course, Bernie got carried away, but you can see that since he got locked up, the team isn’t the same without him.”
The Yankees are paying Armstrong $ 15 million a year as cheating coach, considerably more than the salaries of the team’s hitting and pitching coaches. “It just goes to show you,” Armstrong said. “Good cheating will beat good hitting and good pitching every time.”