Washington DC – The State Department has revoked the master spy privileges of disgraced former CIA director David Petraeus. That means the ex-general has lost all of his “00” espionage perks, including the highly prized “License to Kill.”
“Because he was outsmarted by an underdressed FBI agent, Petraeus has been put on our No Spy List,” a State Department source said.
“That means he can’t even participate in our entry-level ‘If you see something, say something’ program. To be clear, if he sees something, we want him to keep his mouth shut.”
Petraeus can temporarily replace his License to Kill with an Intelligence Learner’s Permit. That involves taking a written test, dealing with a squad of low-level bureaucrats and exhibiting exceptional parallel parking skills.
“I don’t think Petraeus would be interested in that,” the source said. “The permit limits your weapons choices to a class of low impact paintball guns. You know how messy those things can be.”
Asked what Petraeus could’ve done differently to avoid destroying his espionage career, the State Department source said the General was sent a variety of possible solutions.
But apparently, the list was intercepted by the General’s biographer, who was concerned that Petraeus’ life was already too dull to turn into an interesting and profitable bestseller.
The list’s key points advised the General to:
– Abandon his Red Bull/Viagra diet.
– Try his hand at autobiography.
– Remove the “If this limo is rockin’ ” bumper sticker from his Cadillac.
– Remind accusers that adultery is a crime only in the swing states.
– Stop checking in to hotels as “Mr. and Mrs. Austin Powers.”
– Claim he was perfecting his strip search technique.
– Remember that e-mail is for suckers.
– Loudly inform the tabloids: “You want to see stars? I’ll show you stars!”