image for General Petraeus Stripped of His 'License to Kill'

Petraeus models his Vladimir Lenin disguise.

Washington DC – The State Department has revoked the master spy privileges of disgraced former CIA director David Petraeus. That means the ex-general has lost all of his “00” espionage perks, including the highly prized “License to Kill.”

“Because he was outsmarted by an underdressed FBI agent, Petraeus has been put on our No Spy List,” a State Department source said.

“That means he can’t even participate in our entry-level ‘If you see something, say something’ program. To be clear, if he sees something, we want him to keep his mouth shut.”

Petraeus can temporarily replace his License to Kill with an Intelligence Learner’s Permit. That involves taking a written test, dealing with a squad of low-level bureaucrats and exhibiting exceptional parallel parking skills.

“I don’t think Petraeus would be interested in that,” the source said. “The permit limits your weapons choices to a class of low impact paintball guns. You know how messy those things can be.”

Asked what Petraeus could’ve done differently to avoid destroying his espionage career, the State Department source said the General was sent a variety of possible solutions.

But apparently, the list was intercepted by the General’s biographer, who was concerned that Petraeus’ life was already too dull to turn into an interesting and profitable bestseller.

The list’s key points advised the General to:

– Abandon his Red Bull/Viagra diet.

– Try his hand at autobiography.

– Remove the “If this limo is rockin’… ” bumper sticker from his Cadillac.

– Remind accusers that adultery is a crime only in the swing states.

– Stop checking in to hotels as “Mr. and Mrs. Austin Powers.”

– Claim he was perfecting his strip search technique.

– Remember that e-mail is for suckers.

– Loudly inform the tabloids: “You want to see stars? I’ll show you stars!”

94 Comments

  1. Brigitte says:

    I just like the helpful information you provide to your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your blog and take a look at once more right
    here regularly. I’m relatively sure I will learn plenty
    of new stuff proper here! Good luck for the following!

  2. Darrell says:

    Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you so much, However
    I am having issues with your RSS. I don’t know why I can’t subscribe to it.
    Is there anybody having identical RSS problems? Anybody who knows the answer
    will you kindly respond? Thanx!!

  3. What’s up, constantly i used to check web site posts here in the early
    hours in the morning, because i like to find out more and more.

  4. If some one wishes expert view regarding blogging then i propose him/her to pay a visit
    this blog, Keep up the nice work.

  5. I visited multiple sites but the audio quality for audio songs current at this
    website is actually fabulous.

  6. I always spent my half an hour to read this website’s posts everyday
    along with a cup of coffee.

  7. Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Thanks, However I am encountering issues with your RSS.
    I don’t know why I cannot join it. Is there anyone else getting identical RSS issues?

    Anyone that knows the solution can you kindly respond?
    Thanx!!

  8. These are genuinely fantastic ideas in on the topic of blogging.
    You have touched some good points here. Any way keep up wrinting.

  9. Sheryl says:

    Hi, Neat post. There’s an issue along with your site in web explorer, may check this?

    IE still is the market chief and a large component
    to people will miss your excellent writing due to this problem.

  10. Hello there I am so grateful I found your website, I really found you by mistake, while I was searching on Bing for something else, Nonetheless I am here
    now and would just like to say thanks a lot for a tremendous
    post and a all round interesting blog (I also love the theme/design),
    I don’t have time to browse it all at the minute
    but I have book-marked it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read much more, Please do keep up the fantastic job.

  11. lenigrad.ru says:

    This website was… how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something that helped me.

    Many thanks!

  12. Incredible points. Solid arguments. Keep up the amazing spirit.

  13. You really make it seem so easy along with
    your presentation however I in finding this topic to be actually something that I believe I might
    never understand. It kind of feels too complicated and very extensive for me.
    I’m looking forward for your subsequent post, I will attempt to get the
    grasp of it!

  14. ortam.biz says:

    Great article, exactly what I wanted to find.

  15. Dolly says:

    I know this website offers quality depending posts and other information, is there any other site
    which gives these stuff in quality?

  16. Alice says:

    Excellent article. Keep posting such kind of information on your site.
    Im really impressed by your blog.
    Hey there, You have performed a fantastic job. I will definitely digg it and in my opinion suggest to
    my friends. I’m sure they will be benefited from this site.

  17. Hi there every one, here every person is sharing such familiarity, therefore it’s pleasant
    to read this weblog, and I used to pay a quick visit this blog everyday.

  18. I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here.
    The sketch is tasteful, your authored material stylish.
    nonetheless, you command get bought an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following.
    unwell unquestionably come more formerly again as exactly the same nearly
    very often inside case you shield this increase.

  19. Travis says:

    You are so interesting! I do not think I have read through a single thing like this before.
    So good to discover somebody with genuine
    thoughts on this topic. Really.. thank you for starting this up.
    This website is one thing that is needed on the
    internet, someone with a bit of originality!

  20. Excellent beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your site, how could
    i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided
    me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of
    this your broadcast provided bright clear idea

  21. hnbbs.mh.gy says:

    I just could not go away your web site prior to suggesting that I really
    enjoyed the usual info an individual provide on your visitors?

    Is gonna be back regularly to inspect new posts

  22. Excellent web site you’ve got here.. It’s difficult to find high quality
    writing like yours these days. I seriously appreciate people like you!
    Take care!!

  23. I like the helpful information you provide in your articles.
    I’ll bookmark your blog and check again here regularly. I’m quite certain I will learn many new stuff right here!
    Good luck for the next!

  24. Hello, the whole thing is going perfectly here and ofcourse every
    one is sharing facts, that’s genuinely fine, keep up writing.

  25. Aurora says:

    Why people still make use of to read news papers
    when in this technological world all is existing on net?

  26. Lila says:

    At this time it sounds like Expression Engine is the top blogging platform available right now.
    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you’re using on your blog?

  27. Cortney says:

    I’m no longer positive the place you’re getting your information, but good topic.

    I must spend some time finding out more or figuring out more.

    Thank you for great information I used to be looking for this information for my mission.

  28. Elyse says:

    We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme
    in our community. Your site provided us with valuable information to work on. You
    have done an impressive job and our whole community will be grateful to
    you.

  29. mool.fr.fo says:

    It’s going to be end of mine day, but before ending I am reading this enormous post to improve my knowledge.

  30. Edgar says:

    I think this is among the most significant info for me.
    And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark
    on some general things, The web site style is wonderful, the articles is really nice : D.

    Good job, cheers

  31. wonderful put up, very informative. I ponder why the other experts
    of this sector don’t notice this. You must proceed your writing.
    I’m confident, you have a huge readers’ base already!

  32. Murray says:

    It’s awesome for me to have a web page, which is helpful for my know-how.
    thanks admin

  33. Latashia says:

    Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you relied on the video to make your point.
    You clearly know what youre talking about, why waste
    your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something informative to read?

  34. Ahaa, its pleasant dialogue on the topic of this paragraph at
    this place at this blog, I have read all that, so at this time me also commenting at this place.

  35. kda.ir says:

    Pretty! This has been an incredibly wonderful post. Thank you for supplying this information.

  36. Percy says:

    Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading
    it, you can be a great author.I will remember
    to bookmark your blog and definitely will come back from now on.
    I want to encourage you to continue your great posts,
    have a nice holiday weekend!

  37. Franziska says:

    Please let me know if you’re looking for a article author for your weblog.

    You have some really great articles and I believe I would be a good asset.

    If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write
    some content for your blog in exchange for a link back to
    mine. Please shoot me an e-mail if interested. Many thanks!

  38. you’re truly a just right webmaster. The site loading velocity
    is amazing. It sort of feels that you’re doing any unique
    trick. In addition, The contents are masterpiece. you’ve performed a fantastic task on this topic!

  39. Dominga says:

    This is a topic that’s near to my heart… Take care!
    Where are your contact details though?

  40. great put up, very informative. I wonder why the
    opposite experts of this sector don’t understand
    this. You should continue your writing. I am sure, you have a great readers’ base already!

  41. Anh says:

    Paragraph writing is also a excitement, if you be acquainted with after that you can write
    otherwise it is complex to write.

  42. Hayden says:

    May I simply just say what a relief to uncover somebody that genuinely understands what
    they are talking about online. You definitely realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important.

    More and more people really need to look at this and understand this side of the story.

    It’s surprising you are not more popular given that you surely
    possess the gift.

  43. whoah this blog is wonderful i like studying your posts.
    Stay up the good work! You already know, many people
    are searching round for this info, you can help
    them greatly.

  44. Jermaine says:

    What a material of un-ambiguity and preserveness of precious experience regarding
    unpredicted emotions.

  45. Chris says:

    Hi, I do believe this is a great web site. I stumbledupon it 😉 I am going to return yet
    again since i have saved as a favorite it.
    Money and freedom is the best way to change, may you be
    rich and continue to help other people.

  46. Wow, amazing weblog layout! How long have you been running a blog for?
    you made running a blog look easy. The full look of your site is magnificent, let alone the content material!

  47. Hello there I am so thrilled I found your web site, I really found you by accident,
    while I was browsing on Bing for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just
    like to say many thanks for a tremendous post and a all round entertaining blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it
    all at the moment but I have bookmarked it and also included your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read a
    lot more, Please do keep up the fantastic work.

  48. Roxie says:

    Hello! I understand this is sort of off-topic but I needed to ask.

    Does running a well-established website such
    as yours require a large amount of work? I’m completely new to writing a blog but I
    do write in my diary on a daily basis. I’d like to start a blog so I can easily share my own experience and feelings online.
    Please let me know if you have any recommendations or tips for new aspiring bloggers.

    Thankyou!

  49. An impressive share! I have just forwarded this onto a co-worker who was conducting a little homework on this.
    And he actually bought me lunch simply because I discovered it
    for him… lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanks for spending the time to talk about this subject here on your site.

  50. Teddy says:

    Hello there, You’ve done an excellent job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally
    suggest to my friends. I am confident they’ll be benefited from this website.

  51. I got this website from my pal who told me concerning this website and now this time I
    am visiting this web page and reading very informative articles here.

  52. Lettie says:

    I need to to thank you for this great read!!

    I certainly enjoyed every little bit of it. I’ve got you saved as a
    favorite to check out new stuff you post…

  53. Minda says:

    I’ve been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting
    article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and
    bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be much more useful than ever before.

  54. Jaqueline says:

    What’s up to every body, it’s my first pay a quick visit of this weblog; this
    blog contains amazing and truly excellent information in support of visitors.

  55. Jada says:

    Thank you a bunch for sharing this with all of us you really understand what you are speaking approximately!
    Bookmarked. Please additionally consult with my web site =).
    We can have a hyperlink alternate contract between us

  56. Sherlyn says:

    Hi, every time i used to check web site posts here in the early hours in the daylight, since i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.

  57. Mari says:

    I want to to thank you for this great read!!
    I definitely loved every little bit of it. I have got you book marked
    to check out new things you post…

  58. Alejandro says:

    Excellent blog here! Also your web site loads up fast!
    What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your
    host? I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

  59. Epifania says:

    Excellent blog here! Also your web site loads up very fast!
    What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host?
    I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol

  60. Hung says:

    naturally like your web-site but you need to take a look at the spelling on quite
    a few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling problems and
    I to find it very bothersome to inform the truth however I will surely come again again.

  61. Pablo says:

    Hi! I’m at work browsing your blog from
    my new iphone 3gs! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts!
    Carry on the outstanding work!

  62. Hi there, just became alert to your blog through Google,
    and found that it’s truly informative. I am going to watch out for brussels.
    I will be grateful if you continue this in future. Many people will be benefited from your writing.
    Cheers!

  63. Samual says:

    Someone necessarily lend a hand to make severely posts I’d state.
    That is the first time I frequented your website page and up to
    now? I amazed with the analysis you made to make this particular
    submit amazing. Excellent job!

  64. Clara says:

    This page truly has all of the information and facts I needed about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.

  65. Leopoldo says:

    Fantastic website. Lots of useful information here.

    I am sending it to several friends ans also sharing in delicious.
    And of course, thank you in your effort!

  66. Bernard says:

    Wow, this post is pleasant, my younger sister is analyzing these things, thus I am going to tell her.

  67. Rachel says:

    I am really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout
    on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself?
    Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare
    to see a nice blog like this one nowadays.

  68. Sharon says:

    Nice post. I used to be checking constantly this blog and I am inspired!
    Extremely useful info specifically the closing part 🙂 I maintain such
    information much. I was seeking this certain info for a
    very long time. Thanks and good luck.

  69. Kazuko says:

    I all the time used to read paragraph in news papers but now as
    I am a user of internet thus from now I am using net for content, thanks to web.

  70. Deloris says:

    Good blog post. I definitely appreciate this site.
    Continue the good work!

  71. Young says:

    My brother suggested I might like this web site.

    He used to be entirely right. This publish actually
    made my day. You can not consider simply how a lot time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

  72. Petra says:

    Just want to say your article is as amazing. The clarity on your
    publish is just nice and that i could think you’re an expert on this subject.
    Fine with your permission let me to snatch your feed
    to stay updated with coming near near post.
    Thanks 1,000,000 and please keep up the enjoyable work.

  73. Herman says:

    Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I certainly enjoyed reading it,
    you happen to be a great author.I will remember to bookmark your
    blog and will eventually come back sometime soon. I want to encourage yourself to continue your
    great work, have a nice weekend!

  74. Wilhelmina says:

    You’re so cool! I do not believe I have read something like that before.
    So wonderful to find another person with some unique thoughts on this issue.
    Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up. This website is one thing that is
    required on the internet, someone with some originality!

  75. Fanny says:

    Why people still use to read news papers when in this technological world all is available on net?

  76. Ruby says:

    If you are going for finest contents like I do,
    simply pay a quick visit this web site every day because it presents
    quality contents, thanks

  77. Theodore says:

    We’re a group of volunteers and opening a brand new scheme in our
    community. Your site provided us with valuable information to work on. You’ve done a
    formidable task and our entire community
    might be grateful to you.

  78. Henrietta says:

    hi!,I love your writing very a lot! share we be in contact more about your article on AOL?

    I require an expert in this area to unravel my problem.
    Maybe that is you! Having a look forward to peer you.

  79. Spot on with this write-up, I honestly feel this website needs much more attention. I’ll probably be back
    again to read more, thanks for the information!

  80. Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this website.
    It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance”
    between usability and visual appeal. I must say that you’ve done a
    superb job with this. Also, the blog loads extremely quick for me on Opera.
    Excellent Blog!

  81. I always spent my half an hour to read this web site’s articles or reviews daily along with
    a cup of coffee.

  82. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my weblog thus i came to “return the favor”.I’m trying to
    find things to improve my site!I suppose its ok to
    use a few of your ideas!!

  83. Wonderful, what a webpage it is! This weblog provides valuable information to us, keep
    it up.

  84. You’re so interesting! I do not believe I have read through anything like
    this before. So nice to find somebody with some genuine thoughts on this subject matter.
    Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up.
    This site is one thing that’s needed on the internet, someone with a little originality!

  85. I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but
    your blogs really nice, keep it up! I’ll go ahead and bookmark
    your site to come back down the road. All the best

  86. nxt spinning says:

    I have learn a few excellent stuff here. Certainly price
    bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how much
    attempt you set to make the sort of wonderful informative web site.

  87. Hello i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting anywhere, when i
    read this piece of writing i thought i could also create comment due to this sensible article.

  88. Whats up this is kind of of off topic but I was wondering if blogs
    use WYSIWYG editors or if you have to manually code with HTML.
    I’m starting a blog soon but have no coding skills so I wanted to get advice from someone with experience.

    Any help would be greatly appreciated!

  89. What’s up friends, how is the whole thing, and what you would like to say about
    this post, in my view its really awesome in favor of me.

  90. I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your blog.
    It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more
    enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a developer to
    create your theme? Outstanding work!

  91. Theron says:

    Great weblog here! Additionally your website loads up fast!
    What host are you the usage of? Can I am getting your associate hyperlink to your
    host? I wish my web site loaded up as fast as yours lol

  92. Salon Unirii says:

    Bine ati venit la Salon Unirii. pe Salon Unirii veti gasi informatii despre servicii de salon de infrumusetare din zona Unirii din Bucuresti Serviciile pe care le veti gasi pe Salon Unirii, sunt: Coafor, Frizerie, Manichiura, Pedichiura, Epilare, Gene si Sprancene. Salon Unirii va garanteaza cele mai bune preturi fata de orice salon din zona Unirii, care ofera servicii si produse la o calitate superioara. Daca sunteti interesati de serviciile de infrumusetare oferite de Salon Unirii, va rugam apelati telefonic Jovial Salon, care este salonul nostru din Unirii care va poate transforma ziua in cea mai frumoasa zi. Numarul de telefon de la Jovial Salon este: 0748-149-599

  93. I was suggested this blog via my cousin. I am not certain whether this submit is written by way of him as no one else realize such detailed approximately my difficulty. You are amazing! Thank you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *