New York – With less than a year left on his tainted third term, Mayor Michael Bloomberg is personally selecting a successor — auditioning puppet candidates for the mayoral elections that will be held this fall.
The lineup of possibilities is fairly long and ranges back to before Bloomberg bought himself a third term by running roughshod over two separate term limit referendums. (So much for the voice of the people.) Among the puppet possibilities are these eight, who reportedly have already been interviewed by the mayor:
Howdy Doody. An oldie but a goodie, Howdy Doody has been cooling his heels in the Smithsonian ever since his sidekick Buffalo Bob retired way back when. Bloomberg likes Howdy’s squeaky clean image and his secret recipe for Bosco.
Miss Piggy. Literally the Queen of Pork, Miss Piggy knows how to find gold in the mud pit of politics without coming across as a hog. It is a quality Bloomberg most admires. Unfortunately, Christine Quinn, a Miss Piggy look-alike, already has her hooves in the ring.
Elmo. This famous Muppet has already been crossed off the list of mayoral possibilities due to allegations of pedophilia. He will however be an excellent pick for Pope.
Pinocchio. A candidate with a proclivity for lying will always be at the top of Mayor Mike’s wish list. The problem here is that Pinocchio gives it away with his famous expanding nose. Then again, Bloomberg tips off when he’s lying every time he opens his mouth.
King Friday. A little runt who is officious, arrogant and incompetent, King Friday (from Mr. Rogers Neighborhood) is a carbon copy of Mayor Mike. And that makes him the front runner for now, although Bloomberg reportedly can’t stand the little king.
ALF. The ultimate illegal alien, ALF comes from outer space, but talks like he’s from Brooklyn. He has been in and out of the public spotlight (mostly out) since his TV series was canceled decades ago. Would be a magnet for the Hispanic vote, but doesn’t have Bloomberg’s gift for speaking another language.
Triumph “the insult comic dog.” Bloomberg has been criticized for not cracking down on the organized crime mob known as Wall Street, mainly by people who don’t realize he draws his power from the organized crime mob known as Wall Street. Triumph could change all that by directing his insult comedy at Wall Street’s fiscal gangsters to provide the perception that justice is being served. (That’s a funny line, “justice is being served.”)
Kermit the Frog. The City’s new found tendency to flood makes the selection of an amphibian for mayor seem to be a genius choice by Bloomberg. (Mark this moment. It’s not often you see the words “Bloomberg” and “genius” in the same sentence.)
How serious is Bloomberg’s puppet replacement scheme? The mayor is reportedly learning ventriloquism so he can control what is said by his chosen puppet during live press conferences. ( Let’s hope it works out better than his Spanish lessons did.)