Rome – A light frisking under the cassock was all that was needed in 2005 when the church’s princes lined up their credentials to elect a new Pope under Olden Day rules.
On Tuesday the Vatican’s new get-tough policy on wackos and weirdos kicks into effect starting with a full-on cavity search of Conclave contenders.
Curia-approved dentists have been ordered to remove alien implants masquerading as bona fide crowns, fillings and cosmetic veneers in a preemptive measure to block impure thoughts.
Also on the hit list are body piercings, breast and/or buttock fillers and non-officially sanctioned tattoos – including inked barcodes giving instant access to online porn accounts.
A Homeland Security-style security scanner will then check for signs of explosives, firearms and hidden communication devices in an unprecedented crackdown on the dissident vote.
So far the only rogue equipment found in today’s dawn swoop was disgraced LA Cardinal Mahony’s carrier pigeon, confiscated amid suspicions of being a Mossad agent.
Full coverage of Tuesday’s conclave begins at midnight tonight.