Taylor Swift has announced that she has broken up with her 54 year old mailman – Eric, the spotty teenager who bags her groceries at her local supermarket, Jose AND Manuel, who provide lawn care for her palatial home and an unknown cyclist who happened to pass by her a week ago last Thursday.
“We are never ever getting back together” said the 23 year old singer, referring to the men “I am done, it is over, I never want to see them again…ever…never, ever, never, we are never getting back to together, they can go their way, I’ll go mine, I am moving on!”
Swift’s outburst though has confused the men in question, as none of them believes they were even dating the fickle singer.
Eric, the mailman, said “I am old enough to be her dad, I have been happily married to Barbara for 22 years, all I do is deliver her mail!”
Equally confused were both Jose and Manuel, who though neither spoke English, scratched their heads and shrugged their shoulders “Que pasa?” they said, before returning to work.
17 year old virgin Scotty “Acne” Wilkes says he has only ever spoken to Swift twice, and that was when he asked her if he needed to double bag her ice-cream.
“Weird” said the spotty faced teen.
Most confused was passing cyclist Dave Montanna, who regularly rides his bike passed Taylor’s home.
“I have no idea who she is” muttered the 33 year old homosexual, engaged to his boyfriend, Tatty Mullett, for the past 6 months “is she mad?”