Bloodyvostock – “Think the Incredible Hulk in Alina Kabaeva’s body,” is how one Kremlin insider put it this morning, “a male rhythmic gymnast so supple and contortable it’s a wonder all that spangly lycra never bursts during, er, workouts.”
The anonymous young athlete has been seen being wined and dined by President Putin at the Russian Politburo’s favorite vegan restaurant, Bloodyvostock’s Dim Eatery Medvedev.
“Of course, now he’s single again our President can spend quality time enjoying some healthy male company,” the deep throat added surreptitiously, “without the normal matrimonial worry of whether it’s time to return home.
“Who would begrudge him such harmless little treats, comrade?”
It’s something the Kremlin PR machine is at pains to downplay amid sporadic reports of friction in the breakup of the Russian President’s 30 years of marriage to strawberry blond firecracker Lyudmila Aleksandrovna ‘The One Arm Bandit’ Putina.
Luddy, as Vlad liked to call her, had ballooned to 30 stone since the couple’s July 1983 nuptials and was eclipsing her shortarse ex-KGB spouse at official functions.
Then there’s some historical stuff about a G8 Summit at Camp David when she accidentally sat down on Bill Clinton’s face after mistaking it for a novelty whoopee cushion embroidered by US Ambassador to Paris Pamela Harriman.
But it was her secret seven year tryst with Brit moron the Marquis of Lower Slaughter that really stuck in Kremlin aparatchicks’ craw after the couple were caught in flagrente delicto at a Grovel Lodge Hospitality [sic] Inn somewhere off Junction 9 of the M4.
Of course that’s all behind her now – if you don’t count the weight of the abdominal cellulite that Luddy’s piled on since the Millenium.
Next week she’ll be representing Russian at an International Weight Botchers’ annual gala where contestants shed pounds with some liposuction help.
Roman Abramovich is 104.