Protective helmets make war more civilized.
Damascus — The chemical warfare situation in Syria took an unexpected turn yesterday, when a team of UN inspectors discovered that the war-torn nation is using steroids and other Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs) to fortify its army.
“Clearly, Syria is not following the restrictions and guidelines laid out in the Geneva Convention and in the Master Agreement with the Players Association,” said Torque Faberge, who headed the UN team. “Those criminals have used a variety of banned substances to create an army of super soldiers.”
UN officials branded Syria as a “Cheater Nation”– incapable of playing well with others, and ruining the UN’s master plan.
“Great minds have spent the last hundred years trying to make war civilized,” Torque declared, “and here these guys try to get an advantage out of a bottle and forget to play by the rules.”
As a service to the international community, Faberge listed the seven military protocols that make war civilized:
1. No hitting below the belt.
2. You can have hot dogs, but no mustard gas.
3. It is forbidden to use civilians as practice targets.
4. You’ll never get rich by digging a ditch.
5. Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes.
6. Use only approved Military Industrial Complex™ armaments and ammunition.
7. Learn to love the smell of napalm in the morning.
If the steroid allegations hold up against Syria, Bashar al-Assad may be forced to sell the team. At the least, Bashar al-Assad Bobble Head Day will be canceled.
“We’ve got to stop fighting wars as if we are barbarians,” Faberge said. “We’ve got to play by the rules. Only then can we honor the thousands of men women and children who bring value to war by paying with their lives.”