Please add any sarcastic quotes you know and not listed to this post

» Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

» It’s always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
- Paul Newman

» It’s a catastrophic success.

» I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
- Stephen Bishop

» History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

» No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
» I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
» I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
» I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
» I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
- Groucho Marx

» The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

» The 100% American is 99% idiot.
» The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- George Bernard Shaw

» He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
» Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.
- Oscar Wilde

» He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
- Victor Borge

» I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
» Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.
» Familiarity breeds contempt — and children.
» Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
» I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
- Mark Twain

» I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- Clarence Darrow

» If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- Charles Pierce

» You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

» A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

» He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

» Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

» He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
- Abraham Lincoln

» He is a self-made man and worships his creator.
- Irvin S. Cobb

» He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
- Forrest Tucker

» He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
- Billy Wilder

» The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn’t have to watch.
- Dave Barry

» It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
- Caron de Beaumarchais

» Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

» Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.
- Samuel Butler

» I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?
- Jean Cocteau

» The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.
- J. Paul Getty

» When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
- Eric Hoffer

» A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
- Kin Hubbard

» Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- Oscar Levant

» Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in memory as the wish to forget it.
- Montaigne

» The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.
- Ogden Nash

» I wish we were better strangers.
» I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
- Unknown

» As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. » I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen

» I don’t know why we are here, but I’m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves. – Ludwig Wittgenstein

» Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions. – Frank Lloyd Wright

» We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time. – Vince Lombardi

» A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. – Gore Vidal

» When ideas fail, words come in very handy. – Goethe

If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.

Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.

I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.

He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Sarcasm I now see to be, in general, the language of the devil.

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

You were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.

“Are you sarcastic?” “Well no duh!”

Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility.

We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’m impressed, I’ve never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.

Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Best of quotes :

lI’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

lI understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why isn’t notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I’ll tell you why: because paper can’t beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!”

lIf you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

lWhen I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

lYou were looking good from afar.. now you’re far from looking good.

lLearn from your parents’ mistakes, use birth control!

lThe universe is laughing behind your back.

lThose of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.

lAre you thinking what I’m thinking that I think that you’re thinking I’m thinking because if you think that I think what I think I’m thinking then we’ve got a problem?

lHonesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

lI’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

lA positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

lLove your enemies.. it pisses them off.

lThe human race is lucky I’m a nice guy, otherwise only 1/4 of them would be alive right now.

lA paper should be like a mini skirt: long enough to cover everything, but short enough to keep it interesting.

lSometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.”

lIf you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

lLife is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.

lI don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

lI work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

lI used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

lDon’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

lYou’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

lEarth is the insane asylum for the universe.

lI’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

lOut of my mind. Back in five minutes.

lThe trouble with life is there’s no background music.

lIt IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

lEver stop to think, and forget to start again?

lWho is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

lA committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent.

lA conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

lBasic research is what I’m doing, when I don’t know what I’m doing.

lDon’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.

lI intend to live forever – so far, so good.

lI like work, It fascinates me! I can sit and look at it for hours.

lI want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

lI’m not sure what’s wrong… But it’s probably your fault!

lJoin the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

lLight travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

lLiving on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

lPeople are seldom too busy to stop and tell you how busy they are.

lPeople who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

lReality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

lSex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

lSex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

lShould vegetarians eat animal crackers?

lSmile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

lSometimes I just sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

lSupport bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.

lThe number one problem in our country is apathy, but who cares!

lThe sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

lThere’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

lThis place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door.

lTime is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

lWe are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

lWhy do people who know the least know it the loudest?

lYour talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

lYou can thank your lucky stars that everything I wish for will never come true.

lThe world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

lI’m smiling. This should scare you.

lSending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here).

lWhat you do on your own time’s just fine. My imagination’s much worse, I just never want to know.

lEveryone says I’m a blonde at heart. But my hearts not blonde.

lDeep down I’m a very shallow person.

lPatrick: I’m mad. Spongebob: Why’s that? Patrick: I can’t see my forehead.

lIf a stranger offers you a piece of candy, take two.

lBefore you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes!

lI was wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer then it hit me.

lIf worms had guns, birds wouldn’t mess with them.

lI never admit or deny anything it makes me more interesting.

lDon’t take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride.

lMy parents almost lost me as a child, but they didn’t take me far enough into the woods. Every one has a list of problems and issues. But I am #1 on everyone’s list.

lWe’re all given some sort of skill in life. Mine just happens to be beating up on people.

lWe American’s, we’re a simple people… but piss us off, and we’ll bomb your cities.

lKarate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

lGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

lI fight for what I believe in. I am a mercenary, and I believe in money.

lIf I want your opinion, I’ll read it in your entrails.

lAssassins Inc. We aim to please.

lI am free, no matter what rules surround me. If I find them tolerable, I tolerate them; if I find them too obnoxious, I break them. I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do.

lLimiting the freedom of news ‘just a little bit’ is in the same category with the classic example a little bit pregnant.

lIt saddens Norwegians that America still honors the Italian Columbus, who arrived late in the New World and by accident, who wasn’t even interested in New Worlds but only in spices. Out on a spin in search of curry powder and hot peppers- a man on a voyage to the grocery- he stumbled onto the land of heroic Vikings and proceeded to get the credit for it. And then to name it ‘America’ after Amerigo Vespucci, an Italian who never saw the New World but only sat in Italy and drew incredibly inaccurate maps of it. By rights, it should be called Erica, after Eric the Red, who did the work five hundred years earlier. The United States of Erica, Erica the Beautiful, The Erican League.

lGet plenty of sleep. Be kind to your mind. You’ll miss it when it’s gone.

lWhatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much. You’re not that good.

lDance, even if you have to warn others to get out of the way first.

l Don’t stick that out unless you’re going to use it…

lIntelligent doesn’t have to mean educated. And Creative doesn’t have to mean talented.

lNo one ever listens to Zathras, Quite mad they say, It is good that Zathras does not mind, Has even grown to like it, oh yes.” — Zathras, Babylon 5

l“Zathras is used to being beast of burdon for others. A sad life, and probably a sad death, but at least there is symmetry.” -Zathras

lBullshit: the art of making the idiotic sound sensible.

lAngry people need hugs (or sharp objects).

lThe funniest thing about this message is that by the time you realize it doesn’t say anything you its too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck

lI didn’t vote and I didn’t die! Fuck you P. Diddy!

lNostradamus predicted you’d be a loser.

lThe best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

lHigh on life- and glue!

lBy the time you read this you’ve already read it.

lRestraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.

Ill keep addin my findings