This is probably a payback for us men for all the jokes we had on women, am not likely to post it, but lets say i was under pressure to.
Men basically are like computers, here is why
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody’s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Here are a list of famous Qs and As
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you want a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don’t have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman’s four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and a Jackass to pay for it all.
[^I LOVE it!!!^]
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go,
they take your house and car.
A woman is in a terrible accident, and she needs to recieve a brain transplant. The doctor tells her, “Well, a man’s brain costs $900,000 dollars and a woman’s costs $100,000.” She is extremely offended and asks why. The doctor smiles and says, “That’s not sexism, it’s standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the women’s brains down because they’ve been used.”
Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
And here is what NOT to say to a naked Guy !
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?
And here is the top 75 Qs and As , over the web !
- Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company. - Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time. - A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children. - How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed. - What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin - Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts. - Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence. - How does a man show he’s planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one. - How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs. - How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk. - Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. - Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half time. - What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train - Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it’s getting interesting, they’re finished until next time. - Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them. - What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted. - What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. - What did God say after creating man?
I can do better. - Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what? - Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism. - What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention. - How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don’t know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it’ll stay. - What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist. - Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing. - If men got pregnant…. abortion would be available in
convenience stores and drive-through windows. - Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends. - Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed. - Why do men like masturbation?
Its sex with someone they love. - How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river. - What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room. - Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you? - What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside. - How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove. - What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard. - How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”. - Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
- Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn. - Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A.So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
B.So they wouldn’t stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block. - Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down. - What is the thinnest book in the world?
“What men know about women.” - How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One – men will screw anything.
B.One – men will screw up anything.
C.Five – one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it - How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner. - What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging. - How can you tell if a man is aroused?
He’s breathing. - What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature. - How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. - What do men and beer have in common?
They’re both empty from the neck up. - How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares? - How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? – did it ever happen?? - How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. - What is a man’s idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. - What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home. - What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack. - Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal. - Why are men like laxatives?
They can irritate the shit out of you. - Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises?
So oxygen can get into their brains - How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes - Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions - How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini - Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them - What are two reasons why men don’t mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business. - Why is a woman different from a PC?
A woman won’t accept a 3½” floppy - Why is a man different from a PC?
You only have to tell the PC once - What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift?
Exchange him. - Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract. - What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. - Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones. - What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man. - Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there. - What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy. - What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them. - Why are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word they say. - Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why. - Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.